Fun Stuff ;-)
Definition of Computer Geek
computer geek n. 1. One who eats (computer) bugs for a living.
One who fulfills all the dreariest negative stereotypes about hackers:
an asocial, malodorous, pasty-faced monomaniac with all the personality
of a cheese grater. Cannot be used by outsiders without implied insult
to all hackers. A computer geek may be either a fundamentally clueless
individual 2. Many self-described computer geeks use this term in
a positive sense and protest sense 1; this seems to have been a
post-1990 development which really started to gather steam after 1998.
Interesting questions about computer geeks...
Q: Why do programmers confuse Christmas with Halloween?
A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC
A guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him...
...and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and you can do anything you want with me." Again the guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What the hell is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and let you shag me senseless or anything. Why won't you kiss me?" The guy said, "Look I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
IT and management
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon,
hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must work in management."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help;
and you're in the same position as you were before we met,
but now it's my fault."
How many management consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
- How many did it take last year?
- It depends -- how much money is in your budget...?
- None. A consultant would recommend replacing the light fixture.
- None. Consultants don't know how to do anything; they can just tell you how you should do it.
- One partner. He holds on to the bulb and the whole world revolves around him.
- That's difficult to say. First, we need to do a study to see if you really need light in that area, determine historically why the light burned out, and an analysis to determine whether it's the right kind of light anyway. Then, maybe, we can recommend appropriate action -- although we may need to do additional studies to determine the light sensitivity of employees visiting the area. After that, we can: develop RFPs and RFQs, evaluate the abilities of various maintenance workers to perform the task, recommend personnel selection, and supervise the activity.
- Have you thought about rewiring your whole house recently?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion ...
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive manoeuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
HILLARY CLINTON: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband.
BILL CLINTON: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard.)
A.C.: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. A. C., in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), A.C. helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. A. C. convened diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with A. consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. A.C. helped the chicken change to become more successful.
You might be a computer geek if...
- when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
- you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
- you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
- after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
- you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
- you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
- you look for the undo command after making a mistake.
- you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.
- when you buy a TV you first open it so see what is inside
- you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
- you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
- you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
- you see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea it is referring to drugs.
- you are zen-like in your acceptance of users, realizing that there is no limit to the depths of cluelessness, and yet you help them anyway.
How did the chicken cross the road if it would be an operating system, computer, programming language?
- NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
- OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
- Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.
Microsoft(tm) Chicken: It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
- OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
- Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road
- C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
- C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.
- VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
- Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
- Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side.
- Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket !
- Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
- Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.
- COBOL Chicken:
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ELSE GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
Build a Webpage in 25 Steps
- Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.
- Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.
- Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.
- Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.
- Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.
- Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.
- Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.
- View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.
- Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.
- Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.
- Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.
- Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.
- Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.
- Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number -16.3 E10" - 3 hours.
- Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.
- Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.
- Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.
- Recreate your web page - 2 days.
- Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.
- Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.
- Download FTP software - 10 minutes.
- Call your friend again - 15 minutes.
- Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.
- Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.
- Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity
Software Development Process
- Order the T-shirts for the Development team
- Announce availability
- Write the code
- Write the manual
- Hire a Product Manager
- Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)
- Test (the customers are a big help here)
- Identify bugs as potential enhancements
- Announce the upgrade program
Computer Problem Questionnaire
- Describe your problem.
- Now, describe the problem accurately.
- Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.
- Is your computer plugged in?
- Is it turned on?
- Have you tried to fix it yourself?
- Have you made it worse?
- Have you read the manual?
- Are you sure you've read the manual?
- Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
- Do you think you understood it?
- 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
- What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
- If 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in.
- Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
- Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
- Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?
CREATORS ADMIT UNIX, C HOAX
In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson,
Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kernighan admitted that the Unix operating
system and C programming language created by them is an elaborate April
Fools prank kept alive for over 20 years. Speaking at the recent
UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the following:
"In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T
Multics project. Brian and I had just started working with an early
release of Pascal from Professor Nichlaus Wirth's ETH labs in
Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and
power. Dennis had just finished reading 'Bored of the Rings', a
hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great Tolkien 'Lord of the
Rings' trilogy. As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics
environment and Pascal. Dennis and I were responsible for the operating
environment. We looked at Multics and designed the new system to be as
complex and cryptic as possible to maximize casual users' frustration
levels, calling it Unix as a parody of Multics, as well as other more
risque allusions. Then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped
version of Pascal, called 'A'. When we found others were actually
trying to create real programs with A, we quickly added additional
cryptic features and evolved into B, BCPL and finally C. We stopped
when we got a clean compile on the following syntax:
To think that modern programmers would try to use a language that
allowed such a statement was beyond our comprehension! We actually
thought of selling this to the Soviets to set their computer science
progress back 20 or more years. Imagine our surprise when AT&T and
other US corporations actually began trying to use Unix and C! It has
taken them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even
marginally useful applications using this 1960's technological parody,
but we are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the
general Unix and C programmer. In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have
been working exclusively in Pascal on the Apple Macintosh for the past
few years and feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly
bad programming that have resulted from our silly prank so long ago."
Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft,
Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused comment at this time.
Borland International, a leading vendor of Pascal and C tools,
including the popular Turbo Pascal, Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they
had suspected this for a number of years and would continue to enhance
their Pascal products and halt further efforts to develop C. An IBM
spokesman broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to postpone a
hastily convened news conference concerning the fate of the RS-6000,
merely stating 'VM will be available Real Soon Now'. In a cryptic
statement, Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the
Pascal, Modula 2 and Oberon structured languages, merely stated that P.
T. Barnum was correct.
In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are stating
that a similar confession may be forthcoming from William Gates
concerning the MS-DOS and Windows operating environments. And IBM
spokesman have begun denying that the Virtual Machine (VM) product is
an internal prank gone awry.